For those of you who follow my adventures you will have noticed that for some time now I have not reported in on the website.
I do have a good reason.
I hate paperwork. I am Secret Agent Vinny Bear 00V. I have saved the world from total destruction more times than I have have Lemon Meringue Pie from the Creamery in Hawes, Yorkshire ( If you have never tried their Lemon Meringue Pie then I suggest that you take a visit there and sample their wares. That is the Creamery at Hawes, Wensleydale, North Yorkshire ) but they still want paperwork for it.
Anyway back to PAPERWORK !
I really can’t see the point in doing it. If the job has been done then why do I have to write a fifteen page account of how I did it? I did it and it’s done – finished – end of story … or so you would think but … oh no I have to write it all up.
Of course it has to be on the correct form:
Form CI6A for crimes outside of Yorkshire.
Form C16B for crimes in Yorkshire.
Form C51X, for crimes involving jam doughnuts.
Form Wx 57D for any breakages and injuries.
Form 27XWZ for expenses… and the list goes on.
I sat down and completed Form 27XWZ first – as I am rather skint at the moment and I need my expenses paid back to me so that I can pay Ripley back for the money he lent me to pay for the charges occurred during my last mission in Cleckheaton. ( Form C16B for crimes in Yorkshire needed to be filled in next!).
However they won’t pay up.
I am getting blamed for a rather embarrassing incident which happened whilst I was on a stake out at the local butcher’s shop, Cleckheaton.
The Butcher’s shop was being used as a stake out place as B.U.M.S.S. was monitoring the movements of Lady Frillybottom of Cleckheaton, who was smuggling shoes into the country, via the Pet Factory. Lady Frillybottom of Cleckheaton had a shoe collection of over 1,200 pairs of diamond encrusted shoes, which she had illegally obtained from all over the world. Now we had a tip off that fifteen new pairs of shoes were being shipped into Cleckheaton via the pet food factory.
B.U.M.S.S was monitoring every movement of Lady Frillybottom of Cleckheaton, from the cloakroom at the back of the Butcher’s shop on the high street.
Me and Ripley were on the first shift. I was watching from the window inside the cloakroom. Ripley kept watch in the shop.
I went to check in with Ripley for any updates.
I turned the handle of the toilet door and it came off in my hand. I was locked in the bogs all night and all I had for company was half a used roll of toilet paper (cheap paper at that – the type that your finger pokes through on the first wipe) and a pair of Super Vision High Powered XWP Special Issue Binoculars©.
Ripley was on the other side of the door and, to be honest, he was pretty useless. He tried to pick the lock, but he couldn’t do even that simple operation. So this situation meant that I was going to be stuck there, in the loo, until the morning team came to take over.
Sitting on a toilet all night is rather boring, so to keep me occupied and to ensure that I didn’t starve of hunger, Ripley kept passing me their scrumptious meat pies through the window. ( He sneaked out of the front door and round to the back of the shop and passed the goodies through the window).
Anyway back to PAPERWORK!
I filled in form 27XWZ
|Bear Uncover Missions Secret ServiceForm: 27XWZName: Agent Vinny Bear 00VAddress: Secret – I’m a secret agent
|4 meat pies||£9|
|8 pork pies||£16|
|7 sausage rolls||£8.40|
|9 pickled eggs||£3.75|
|Quiche ( large)||£5.29|
|Quiche ( small)||£2.75|
Anyway, them upstairs in the finance department won’t pay the bill, as they say that I could have climbed out of the toilet window. Fair point I guess. But it meant that I’m £1187.27 short this month.
I hate PAPERWORK!